The pandemic poses unique challenges to each of us – whether we’re single, part of a couple or family.
At the University of Virginia’s Center for Children, Families and the Law, psychologist Bob Emery is taking notes and offering advice.
Bob Emery has written more than 150 books and papers on how to survive and thrive as a couple or a family, and he says the COVID quarantine has introduced new levels of stress to relationships. His first piece of advice for couples – consider spending more time apart – a sentiment expressed by the Lebanese poet Kalil Gibrahn.
“And stand together yet not too near together, for the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak tree and the Cyprus grow not in each other’s shadow.”
For those staying home, that might mean taking a walk or planning a socially distanced visit with a friend.
“Not only to give each other a little break and a little bit of space, but then you have something to bring back," Emergy explains. "We’re running out of things to talk about.”
That’s not to suggest you abandon your mate. In fact, Emery recommends planning special times for your partner.
“It may be having dinner outdoors at a restaurant, having a date in the living room or on your deck," he suggests. "You dress up and make a special meal for each other. The idea is to set aside a special time when you treat each other not like the person you’re living with day in and day out but like the person you were courting a long time ago.”
And when disagreements arise, Emergy counsels conversation.
“There are lots of little things that you just have to let go in a relationship, but rule number one always in a marriage is if there’s something that’s really bothering you, you need to talk about it. You can get to a point where you may not agree, but if you can really understand how the other person is approaching the problem emotionally, then it makes it a lot easier to live with.”
He adds that common complaints may actually be about something else – the need to be reassured or to feel in control. Understanding the underlying issues can help to resolve such situations. Emery adds that it’s also important to keep things in perspective. If you or your partner have lost a job or been furloughed, if someone in the family catches COVID or if money is running out, now is the time to offer as much support as you can.
“We rely on our partners for so much these days and have such high expectations for them, but this isn’t so much a time to worry about, ‘Gee, I’m not being fulfilled.’ It’s a time to pull up your sox – to say, ‘Look, it’s my job to support my partner during this time. We can deal with the small stuff later on. We have big stuff we’ve got to deal with right now.’”
The big stuff might be children.
“Kids are losing a lot in terms of their educational opportunities, just in terms of their socialization," Emery says. "You know kids need to play. Kids need to interact. Kids learn from each other socially and intellectually. If we can find a way through this before too long, kids are also resilient and things will be fine.”
For now, he advises parents who need a break to allow some TV or video games, but they should also try to be creative in finding other ways to keep kids busy.
“We need to kind of prime the pump for kids and get them away from screens and outdoors – swimming, going for a walk themselves, gardening, doing some of those important activities we may have forgotten in this era of electronics.”
If problems in the family or in a relationship are just too much to handle on your own, Emery says low-cost counseling services are available by phone through local mental health districts and professional associations.
Listen to Sandy Hausman's full interview with UVA Professor of Psychology Robert Emery:
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