BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT, WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. Hey, Chicago. Forget about the Billy Goat. I'm goaty Bill - Bill Kurtis. And here is your host filling in for Peter Sagal at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Mike Pesca.
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MIKE PESCA, HOST:
Thank you. Thank you, Bill. Thank you. I am the host of the Slate podcast "The Gist," where we appeal to the high-minded. We cater to the policy-oriented. We indulged the better angels of our nature. In other words, the opposite of this show. Although, today, I do have to say, we will be joined by a bona fide Hall of Famer. Former NFL quarterback Steve Young will be here later.
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PESCA: But now it is time for you to call us and play our games. The number to call is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-894. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hello you're on WAIT, WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.
ALEX JAMES: Hi, Mike.
PESCA: Hi. Who's this?
JAMES: This is Alex James from Columbia, S.C.
PESCA: Hi, Alex.
KURTIS: Hey, Alex.
PESCA: What do you do in Columbia?
JAMES: I'm a campaign manager for a U.S. congressional race here.
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KURTIS: Having fun yet, Alex?
JAMES: Oh, yeah, loads of it.
PESCA: Well, Alex, let me introduce you to our personal offensive line, who should be good for one or two offensive lines. First up, it is correspondent for "CBS Sunday Morning" and the author of the book "Approval Junkie." It's Faith Salie.
FAITH SALIE: Hey, Alex.
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PESCA: Next, we have on hand humorist and author of the forthcoming book "How The Hell Did This Happen: The 2016 Presidential Election," P. J. O'Rourke.
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PESCA: And finally, it's correspondent for "CBS Sunday Morning" and host of "The Henry Ford's Innovation Nation" Saturday mornings on CBS. It's Mo Rocca.
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MO ROCCA: Hi, Alex.
PESCA: Well, welcome to the show, Alex. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three quotes from the week's news. You can correctly ID the actual thing that the actual person actually said. And if you do that, you get to hoist our version of the championship trophy, scorekeeper emeritus Carl Kasell's voice on your outgoing voicemail. You ready to play?
JAMES: Yeah.
PESCA: All right, then. Here is your first quote.
KURTIS: I'll get myself in trouble. I'd like to take him behind the gym if I were in high school. Wouldn't you?
PESCA: So that was Vice President Joe Biden threatening to beat someone up behind the gym. Who?
JAMES: The answer to the first question every week - Donald Trump.
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KURTIS: You are so right (laughter).
PESCA: He does give so much. Yes, and the Republican nominee responded, essentially saying, bring it on. So this is interesting for me. For months, the Democrats have been saying that Trump is coarsening the language of the election, and then this Scranton scrapper pops off, and everyone's like, yeah, get him; beat him up - blood.
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ROCCA: I liked it better when it started Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau.
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PESCA: I just think the whole thing, it's a symptom of what everyone is feeling. In fact, I think P. J.'s writing a book about it - this election fatigue. We have less than two weeks remaining in 2016, and people are losing their minds. They cannot take it. They're threatening each other. Did you see this? John Dingle, the 90-year-old-former congressman from Michigan - this is true. Here is a quote - he essentially said he'd rather be dead - quote, "you're not supposed to wish your days away when you're 90, but this honestly cannot come soon enough."
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P J O'ROURKE: I just keep having to, you know, remind myself, you know, as a political humorist, that what's good for me is bad for the nation.
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O'ROURKE: Because I've been having a great time. I mean, this is absolutely wonderful. And then you remember that it isn't just on television. It's...
SALIE: It's happening.
O'ROURKE: It's actually happening, yeah.
PESCA: But are you actually honing your instinct? I mean, isn't it almost too easy? Aren't you, like, the dog who, instead of hunting on the savannah just, like, lives in a butcher shop?
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O'ROURKE: Yeah. No, no, yeah, no, it's been totally all low-hanging fruit, you know, and nuts.
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PESCA: OK, Alex, here's your next quote.
KURTIS: Worst insurance ever.
PESCA: That was a person on Twitter talking about the problems with what type of insurance?
JAMES: Oh, I'm living in the political world. I'm not sure. Can I get a hint?
ROCCA: It's not political at all.
PESCA: No.
O'ROURKE: No, it's not.
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PESCA: You don't want to admit it.
O'ROURKE: You don't want to think about politics. It always stays out of the insurance business. Yeah, there's no politics involved in the insurance business.
PESCA: A health - a type of health care insurance, not motorcycle insurance.
JAMES: Obamacare.
PESCA: Yes, yes, Obamacare. Next week, people covered by Obamacare will see their premium price go up an average of 22 percent. The old levels were silver, gold and platinum, so maybe they need to introduce some lower price points, like asphalt, cool ranch and dirt.
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PESCA: Dirt's not actually just the name of the insurance. That's the actual insurance plan - rub some dirt on it.
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PESCA: Give the doctor a scoop or two. That's his co-pay. Or maybe they'll go the ESPN way. There's Obamacare, Obamacare 2, Obamacare Deportes, Obamacare Classic. It's just throwback medicine - leeches and opium.
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O'ROURKE: I'm half with you.
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SALIE: You know, I - this just occurs to me. The other day in my hall in my apartment building in New York City, of course, this neighbor of mine walks by with a T-shirt that says, I like Obamacare (laughter). Sorry.
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SALIE: I have no - I have no joke. That's just a lonely T-shirt.
O'ROURKE: That just goes to show that Obamacare doesn't give adequate mental health coverage.
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PESCA: I'm not saying the insurance isn't good, but when they talk about coverage, they literally just meant that T-shirt.
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PESCA: Let's go on to our last quote. Here we go.
KURTIS: I don't know anybody that's 108 years old. What does that have to do with anything?
PESCA: That was a man named John Lackey talking about the 108-year drought suffered by whom?
JAMES: Oh, oh, the Cubs.
PESCA: Yes.
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PESCA: I believe the Chicago audience applauding the Cubs, not their ineptitude, but, yes, the Chicago Cubs have not won a World Series since 1908. The last time they won, Mark Twain, Leo Tolstoy and Geronimo were alive.
O'ROURKE: Not playing for them.
PESCA: No, no.
O'ROURKE: At moments - at moments since 1908 it did look like they were playing for the Cubs.
PESCA: Bring in the lefty, Tolstoy, off the bench.
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PESCA: My favorite 1908-in-perspective fun fact is that people like Perry Como and Mother Teresa and Jessica Tandy weren't even born yet. These are people who have been dead, in some cases, for decades and were famous for being old people when they were alive, but they weren't even alive yet in 1908.
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O'ROURKE: Well, Bill and I remember.
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ROCCA: This is a lot of action for the Midwest, isn't it, with Cleveland, you know, and Chicago, like, fighting it out like this. I mean, such hostility.
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ROCCA: The Midwest is the new Mideast.
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SALIE: Is there kind of some collegial support from White Sox fans? I mean, is all Chicago bonded together over this?
ROCCA: They're like - no. They're like Sunni and Shia, White Sox and Cubs, right?
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O'ROURKE: But they can't get together every now and then.
ROCCA: Yeah, well, because, yeah, the Indians are like the Kurds, right?
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O'ROURKE: And everybody hates the Kurds, so yeah.
PESCA: Yes. This is very - this is the public radio way to explain the complicated thing called baseball.
SALIE: Well, actually...
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PESCA: You liken it to the very easy Middle East.
O'ROURKE: Actually, it kind of defines NPR audience.
PESCA: All right, Bill, how did Alex do?
KURTIS: Alex did very, very well - 3-0, just like in baseball.
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O'ROURKE: All right, Alex.
PESCA: Great job, Alex. You win Carl Kasell's voice. Thank for playing.
JAMES: Thank you, Mike.
(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC) Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.