BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. Put on your tutu, you're going to the Bill-ay (ph). I'm Bill Kurtis.
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KURTIS: And here's your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.
PETER SAGAL, HOST:
Thank you so much.
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SAGAL: Thank you, Bill. Thank you, everybody.
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SAGAL: You warm me. You warn me so much.
We've got a fine show for you today. We are thrilled by our guest this week, the great children's book author and greeting card artist Liz Climo. She is going to help design the perfect greeting card to give the man in your life who will soon be accused of sexual harassment.
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SAGAL: Roses are red. Violets are blue. Please pull up your pants. They're going to sue.
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SAGAL: We care enough to send the very best, so give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAITWAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome our first listener contestant.
Hi, you are on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.
GREG NANOPOULOS: Hi, Peter. This is Greg Nanopoulos from Paducah, Ky.
SAGAL: Paducah, Ky.
PAULA POUNDSTONE: Wow.
MO ROCCA: I like Paducah.
SAGAL: Now, I know Paducah is famous, but I don't know what for.
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NANOPOULOS: It's for the quilt show.
JOHN HODGMAN: The what?
NANOPOULOS: The quilt show.
SAGAL: That's not it.
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SAGAL: No. Tell me - what is the quilt show?
NANOPOULOS: Well, they make these quilts. And they hang them up, then people come and they see them, mostly older people. But I'm headed to New York City in a couple of months.
SAGAL: Really (laughter)?
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Greg. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, it's a correspondent for "CBS Sunday Morning" and the host of "The Henry Ford's Innovation Nation" Saturday morning on CBS. It's Mo Rocca.
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ROCCA: Hi, Greg.
NANOPOULOS: Hey, Mo.
SAGAL: Next, a comedian performing in San Francisco New Year's Eve. You can find tickets on the tour page on her website, paulapoundstone.com. I gave it away - it's Paula Poundstone.
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POUNDSTONE: Hey.
SAGAL: And making his debut on our panel is an author and a humorist whose new book is called "Vacationland." Our dear friend Mr. John Hodgman is with us.
HODGMAN: Hello. Peter, Bill, Paula, Mo and Greg, hello.
SAGAL: You're going to play Who's Bill This Time, Greg. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three quotations from this week's news. Your job - correctly identify or explain just two of them, and you will win our prize, the voice of anyone from our show on your voicemail. You ready to play?
NANOPOULOS: I am.
SAGAL: All right, your first quote is a message from a Senate candidate to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell...
KURTIS: "Bring it on."
SAGAL: ...Who probably should not have used the title of a movie about high school cheerleaders...
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SAGAL: ...As his shout of defiance.
NANOPOULOS: Shout of defiance, bring it on. I'm thinking it's the - is currently in the Senate?
SAGAL: No, he's trying to get there.
NANOPOULOS: Oh, it's the guy from Alabama.
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SAGAL: Yeah, that guy.
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SAGAL: Roy Moore, yes.
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SAGAL: After last week's enormous expose in The Washington Post, this week two more women came forward to accuse the Republican candidate of propositioning them when they were teens. So far, that means six women have accused Moore of sexual misconduct. That's almost an entire babysitter's club.
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SAGAL: In fact, The New Yorker found out - this is amazing - that he had been banned from the local mall for being a creep.
UNIDENTIFIED AUDIENCE: (Groaning).
SAGAL: Anyway, we are looking forward to the big comedy hit of next summer, "Paul Blart: Mall Cop: Special Victims Unit."
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HODGMAN: I don't see how he got away with it. I get asked to leave malls just for having a mustache.
SAGAL: I understand.
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SAGAL: Then, of course, on Thursday Democratic Senator Al Franken apologized for harassing a woman a decade ago. So maybe Moore will fit in in the Senate after all. We're not sure what this story means except we now know that the movie "Stuart Saves His Family" is no longer the worst thing that Al Franken ever did.
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ROCCA: It's terrible. I mean, it's time to repeal and replace men.
SAGAL: It's true.
POUNDSTONE: Yes.
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ROCCA: And it actually is, like, a really great time to be a man in media who hasn't sexually assaulted someone...
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ROCCA: ...'Cause there's so much opportunity.
SAGAL: Is there one?
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ROCCA: They're several dropped - people are just disappearing.
HODGMAN: A lot of jobs coming open soon.
SAGAL: Yes, it's great.
HODGMAN: I've been cast in three Kevin Spacey movies.
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SAGAL: OK, Greg. Your next quote is a man reflecting on a very lovely trip he took to Asia.
KURTIS: "While in the Philippines, I was forced to watch CNN, which I have not done in months"...
(LAUGHTER)
KURTIS: ..."And again realize how bad and fake it is - loser."
NANOPOULOS: That's Donald Dump - Donald...
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SAGAL: You didn't even give me a chance to ask you. Yes, it was Donald Trump.
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SAGAL: The most important thing that happened on the president's long trip to Asia was that the president had a great time. That's what he talked about anyway - how amazing the receptions for him were, all the pomp and circumstance - which he said was, quote, "never before seen."
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POUNDSTONE: Yeah.
SAGAL: For example, in tribute to his famous campaign promise, China went ahead and built an enormous wall.
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ROCCA: I loved all the matching costumes on this trip. There was a lot of matching wardrobe. Like, he and Duterte - didn't - from the Philippines - didn't they have those, like...
SAGAL: Yeah.
ROCCA: ...Blue pajamas.
HODGMAN: It was either traditional garb or a remarkable practical joke...
SAGAL: Yeah.
HODGMAN: ...On the president of the United States...
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POUNDSTONE: Or that's...
HODGMAN: ...That he had to weird, like...
ROCCA: Yeah.
HODGMAN: ...Dystopian jumpsuits.
ROCCA: Yeah, they were...
POUNDSTONE: That's why it's so important, though, to call another leader and say...
HODGMAN: Oh, right.
POUNDSTONE: ...What are you going to be wearing?
SAGAL: Right 'cause otherwise - oh...
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POUNDSTONE: Yeah.
SAGAL: ...The worst.
POUNDSTONE: No, what was the thing - where were they where did the weird, like, crossing the arms in front of the chest and holding hands thing?
SAGAL: There was also, I believe, in the Philippines.
POUNDSTONE: Yeah.
ROCCA: Right.
POUNDSTONE: And what was the point of that?
HODGMAN: That's just a children's playground game that they love to do.
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POUNDSTONE: Yeah.
SAGAL: Yeah.
ROCCA: He just was being pranked the whole time.
SAGAL: Yeah.
POUNDSTONE: Yeah, yeah.
HODGMAN: No, no - we always do this.
POUNDSTONE: Yeah, yeah.
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HODGMAN: Duterte is a notorious human rights abuser. So when I hear that Donald Trump was forced to watch CNN...
SAGAL: Right. Yeah.
HODGMAN: ...I just imagine Duterte had a gun to his head...
SAGAL: Yes.
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HODGMAN: ...For his own amusement.
SAGAL: Who forced him to watch CNN?
HODGMAN: It was probably - that's all he had in his hotel room.
SAGAL: Yeah.
HODGMAN: They were punking (ph) him there, too.
SAGAL: That's terrible.
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POUNDSTONE: No, that's not all they have. Any hotel room you go into, they get at least 30 ESPNs.
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POUNDSTONE: Talk about forced. Oh, my God.
HODGMAN: Paula...
POUNDSTONE: That's...
HODGMAN: ...I have to keep up with my curling.
POUNDSTONE: That's a human rights abuse right there - ESPN1, ESPN2, ESPN3 - desperate to find something to watch in the middle of the night.
HODGMAN: How do I get to AMC?
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POUNDSTONE: There's more than one golf channel. That's cruelty right there.
(LAUGHTER)
POUNDSTONE: There's one where they don't even play it. They just talk about it.
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HODGMAN: Sure is.
POUNDSTONE: What were you trying to do out there today, Bob? Well, I was trying to hit the ball, Steve.
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POUNDSTONE: Now we're going to take callers.
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POUNDSTONE: Golf is not a sport. You know why?
SAGAL: Why?
POUNDSTONE: 'Cause they just hit a ball - no one tries to stop them.
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ROCCA: Yeah, there is no defense.
POUNDSTONE: Right.
SAGAL: Right.
HODGMAN: Right.
POUNDSTONE: If somebody stood in front and waved their hands and jumped up and down - there - you got a sport right there.
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SAGAL: Speaking of sports - Greg, your last quote is about a sports scandal shaking Great Britain.
KURTIS: "There's no one person bigger than the game."
SAGAL: That was an official named Elie Dangoor condemning a man named Allan Simmons who was busted and banned for cheating at what?
NANOPOULOS: Oh, I'm not good at sports. But I remember something going on with the ball and the....
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SAGAL: Haven't heard about this? This rocked the world of public radio, let me tell you.
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SAGAL: I will give you the answer since I think you've already won. The answer is Scrabble. A big Scrabble cheating scandal has hit Britain. Allan Simmons...
NANOPOULOS: Ah...
SAGAL: I know.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: I'm sorry - do you need to take a minute because...
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: ...If you just heard - Allan Simmons had to step down as a champion professional Scrabble player, meaning he quit his job before you even knew it existed.
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SAGAL: When you hear there was a scandal in Scrabble, you probably assumed that a top Scrabble player was accused of playing the word tongue against a woman without permission. But no...
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SAGAL: ...The accusation is that he did not show his empty hand before reaching into the letter bag, meaning it was possible that he was swapping a bad tile for a good one.
ROCCA: I doubt...
SAGAL: Look, that's it. That's the scandal.
ROCCA: I think him stepping down is just really quixotic.
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ROCCA: Seventy-six points, please.
SAGAL: There you are.
HODGMAN: To me, it reminds me of a syzygy.
SAGAL: It really does.
(LAUGHTER)
HODGMAN: Cannot define it - will never play it.
SAGAL: I know. Just imagine the Scrabble fan's reactions. That's what Scrabble players do. They have to imagine there are fans.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Say it ain't so, Joe, said a kid to his Uncle Joe who got him tickets to the Scrabble tournament.
HODGMAN: Jo, J-O, is one of the two-letter words you can form with a J. It means a sweetheart.
SAGAL: Really?
HODGMAN: Yes.
SAGAL: Oh.
HODGMAN: I was - you know, this was a blow to me. I don't like you guys making fun of this Scrabble controversy.
ROCCA: Well, wait a minute. I'm not...
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ROCCA: How do you pronounce the one that's O-E?
HODGMAN: Oh-ee (ph).
ROCCA: Oh-ee?
HODGMAN: Yeah. It's a wind.
ROCCA: It's a wind off the Faroe Islands.
HODGMAN: Wind off the Faroe Islands.
POUNDSTONE: Of course, of course.
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POUNDSTONE: You know, I wish...
ROCCA: It's oh-ee?
HODGMAN: Well, I believe so. But I could be wrong. But the point is you don't need to know what it means. You don't need to know how it's pronounced. You just need - you can play it.
ROCCA: But if you...
HODGMAN: Boom. Hit it in a four-way with an H-A and an H-M - boy, you can win a whole game that way.
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POUNDSTONE: Must you guys constantly restate the obvious?
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ROCCA: You got so worked up, I thought this should be a channel on the TV in the hotel.
HODGMAN: Yeah...
POUNDSTONE: Always.
HODGMAN: ...This is ESPN Scrabble.
SAGAL: Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: John, I know you're...
POUNDSTONE: I'm playing with the only two people in the entire world that leaned - I'm sitting in the middle...
(LAUGHTER)
POUNDSTONE: ...Of John and Mo. And they leaned around me to confer...
HODGMAN: Yeah.
POUNDSTONE: ...That oe...
ROCCA: Oe no.
SAGAL: ...Was a wind off the Faroe Islands.
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SAGAL: Bill, how did Greg do on our quiz?
KURTIS: Two out of 3, Greg - you're going to be a happy guy going to New York.
POUNDSTONE: There we go.
SAGAL: Congratulations.
NANOPOULOS: Thank you.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: The voice of any of us you want...
NANOPOULOS: Bye-bye.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: ...Telling people you've left for New York.
NANOPOULOS: Thanks.
(SOUNDBITE OF ARCHIVED RECORDING) Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.