Darnell Lamont Walker began his career as a TV writer with a prestigious fellowship at Sesame Street. From there, he landed writing jobs with Blue’s Clues and other shows for kids and was nominated for an Emmy.
Now, at the age of 44, his writing career has taken a sharp turn with a new book called Never Can Say Goodbye. It’s a memoir of sorts about his time helping people, their loved ones get through what could be the toughest part of life – the end. It’s something he’s been doing since the age of 13.
“Helping my grandmother with her friends – with family who were at the end of their life, planning a funeral, getting closure with relatives, someone to be there as a witness when they do die – to hold their hand so they’re not lonely,” he recalls.
And as a young adult, he was forced to confront his own mortality.
“When I was 22, I was diagnosed with a blood clotting disorder that could kill me at any moment. Every day I have to wake up and take this pill to keep my blood thin, and every time I take that pill I think, ‘If I died today, did I do what I wanted to do? Did I do enough?’ and I have.”
He says thinking about death often makes people anxious, in part, because they can’t choose the time or the way, but he says, there are things we can control, and that could make the end easier.
“Planning is love a lot of times. Here’s how to make sure my family is fully prepared for that moment, so they don’t have to worry about figuring out the logistics of it all," he explains. "They can get to the mourning and to the grieving and to the holding each other up part right away instead of, ‘I have to call the job. I have to figure out where the policies are. I have to do a million things before I can even grieve.’”
He urges people to talk about their death – to say how they want things to go.
“There are people who – it scares them. You all figure it out when I’m gone. Me and my mom and my dad, we talk about it. “If I go, I want you to take some of my ashes and put them here,’ or ‘Spend as little money as possible,’ and those conversations are so important,” Walker says.
And he’s willing to step in when families don’t agree.
“I had a client who had converted to Islam, and his family was still very Christian, and he wanted a Muslim burial, and his family was very adamant about not letting him have that.”
In the end, his client got both a Christian and Muslim service.
Today, he shares his thoughts and strategies as what’s called a death doula – someone who helps individuals and families deal with the end. That experience has made him less fearful.
“There’s this beautiful thing I see often that happens with my clients. It always feels like someone has come back for them, even days or weeks before the death happens there is someone who comes in the room, and they have full conversations.”
He doesn’t know what happens after that but hopes it will be the next great adventure.
Walker doesn’t advertise his services, but word gets around. He claims to receive a call every other day and has helped hundreds of people. He doesn’t send a bill but accepts donations.
“If this was my full-time job I’d be dead broke. I haven’t figured out a way to charge dying people or people who are grieving.”
He does get paid for speaking publicly, and he’s still writing for children’s television.
“A studio is allowing me to write an episode about death for kids, and so I was able to create an episode where parents and kids can watch and parents can watch, and parents can learn how to have the conversation with their children, and kids can find ways to also be curious about it and ask questions and know that their questions are important.”
He can’t say yet who will offer the program or when, but he will be speak at Charlottesville’s New Dominion bookstore on March 7th at 7pm.
